Autistic Inertia and Discrimination

Where we ought to be looking!

Recently I needed to force myself to scrutinize a lot of my memories to rationally describe my conscious and unconscious behaviours in society with all my insights gained in my rebirth — as a fellow Quoran James Smith nicely put it — with my diagnosis and unmasking.

It’s almost like grasping at straws!

No matter how you try to consciously describe things, my unconscious mind was uncanny, and my confidence to trust it came from years of enduring a long game played to confirm what most insisted was not going on.

I became too confident at times, and sometimes I never knew if I was right or wrong. So I think my unconscious mind was left with the only choice, to mask that which it cannot sustain. Where now my depression and anxiety no longer correlated to what my mind was allowing me to consider to be the actual cause.

I hate it more than anything, when I say it was discrimination when it was not. But I am more afraid to say it when it systematically unfolds.

Masking around discrimination was the only way I was able to get as far out of the depth that society was systematically designed to unintentionally but unrelentingly keep me in. My mind was hoping that the further out I got, the longer it would take for the (un)equilibrium to catch on.

But masking made me ignore the signs. The more I pushed, the more push I got. This is the nature of a system that does not really evolve. No matter how loud we make noise about there being empowerment. That is not more, just more systematically displayed to balance out what is also systematically being increasingly shown.

That a few are celebrated in the ranks. It is what you do when you have to display diversity. But inclusion would be when they are able to openly say, how lonely and manipulative their path had felt, or to at least not be made masked to the point that they are too afraid to realize what they are not able to openly say.

Backstory

Yesterday during rush hour at the elevators, when it was time to walk my dogs, the one that finally arrived was occupied by a mean old person…

They leaned at the door, like one would to block you by way of NT distancing rules, which I cannot obey in NT ways, until they said… “I am not comfortable … take the next one … I have cancer” … what?! 🙃

Autistic me saw them looking at my dogs, and I resisted playing the “could it be meant at me” angle in my mind, and I told them “it has nothing to do with it”…

They leaned awkwardly, so I let them be on their merry way, with a “ah yes, those old f****** entitled ways” as the elevator moved past 🤣

My unconscious mind was picking up on the clear discrimination in that old person’s mind, even when my conscious mind was too discouraged to want to believe…

But our autistic unconscious minds are too powerful, no matter how we are consciously masked, the unconscious will find a way to call it what it is, and it takes inertia for the conscious one to catch up when truth leaks ☯️

Where we ought to be looking!

This is one of those accounts that leave me struggling for the rest of the day and a few hours after waking up, until my unconscious mind played out all the scenarios to offer my conscious mind enough confidence to calmly call it the same way I felt in that moment.

Sure you have better stories?! you might ask…

Obviously… But the emotions would only distract our minds from the finer-grained aspects, which is really not any good!

It takes so much out of you to somehow learn to cope with your right to sanely feel discriminated against. Even if it was not meant, it was how it looked for someone on my end.

Autistic inertia and masking go hand in hand!

The harder it is for your own conscious mind to hear your own thoughts, the more masking you feel urged to hold, the more unprepared you are when the masking bends. Because the reality you are privy to see with your own mind’s eyes never really stops to unfold.

I cannot ascertain or hold accountable this arguably very nice person. But if you layered all those different elements of discomfort on top of one another, the fact that I looked not unconsciously warming, it was by far the deciding factor. That rejection, unwitting as it may, it was arrogance, not pride, and mine was anger, yes, but it was not out of arrogance, it was my right to hold my own pride.

That I was told away with the kind of clever of a different discriminating arrogance, the vile that lurks beneath.

I hate it more than anything to be able to pick up on what is neurotypically out of phase. About fears lurking in the unconscious minds of others. When they are only interested in what others who empathize with them would say, when they get together, when they talk without those masks, instead of facing the weakness they don’t want to admit is their own.

But while it is impractical to consciously reason about, let alone have it displayed, it is, at the end of the day, where systematic discrimination manifests from, where it originates, and where it continues to evolve, because at the end of the day, it is where it pays most.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Saleh Abdel Motaal

I don’t write the words, I splice at ones coming at me, until they resonate with what I found written out in my mind ∞