I don’t write the words, I splice at ones coming at me, until they resonate with what I found written out in my mind ∞
Neural rendition of a mountain top unmasked from behind densely clouded skies.

Hardships, friendships. This is autism!

In 2017, I was finally on vacation, after I had reconciled with the burnout of trying to land the right job, with more than 5 years invested to avoid ending up exactly where I was.

I had just finished attending the full-stack course in a Toronto-based institute used by top…

The masks we inherit, the ones we subscribe to, the ones emplaced on us, and the ones we mindfully choose.

In 2015, I was now for the most part, housebound and disconnected from all forms of social media, and in every sense of the word, invisible and forgotten, to almost everyone in my world.

In 2018, I decided to start on a journey to open source my mental health, where…

In a world where neurological similarities afford the shared delusions, to arrogantly demand conformity, without it needing to be explained.

Some of the earliest memories I have usually involve a sharp pain, followed by my world verbalizing at me like it should not hurt. As I distill through more memories, I recognize that I always struggled, to have people empathize when I was in pain. No one was hearing it…

Where we ought to be looking!

Recently I needed to force myself to scrutinize a lot of my memories to rationally describe my conscious and unconscious behaviours in society with all my insights gained in my rebirth — as a fellow Quoran James Smith nicely put it — with my diagnosis and unmasking.

It’s almost like grasping at straws!

No matter how…

A graphic symbolizing the notion of frictionless design with the symbol for Zen on a neutral sensory-friendly background.
Frictionless — © 2020 Saleh Abdel Motaal and Unidentified Author

It is because you think you don’t…

What I learned in 36 years, the neurologically-prejudiced reality many are trapped in, indulging the façade of progress, the slow and lonely painful death, naïvely orchestrated by those who take for granted, who do not stop, to think!

For the reader

The ideas I am expressing here are based on personal experiences, including…

Me smiling next to a trophy in the school’s front desk, windows showing a frozen outdoors backdrop, with dramatic glow effect
Alone smiling next to a trophy our team earned in an annual competition, a reminder of trauma we had buried getting us there!

It was 6 years ago when I hit adversity that derailed my life far off track…

It was 6 years ago that adversity derailed my life enough, it autistically opened up a flood gate where I revisited everything I took for granted about my life and reality…

What I saw… I was living out in a world where I was too afraid to admit it, that…

I am waking up in a mood…

I want to scream…

how long before the mask erodes,

that it all falls numb to my ears…

I’m asking myself, how many more days…

I want to know…

how long before the passion fades,

that it all crumbles under my fears…

I’m trying to speak, even just point, anything meaningful…

I want to feel…

how long before the soul resigns,

that it all dries along my tears…

I’m waking in that same mood…

I want to heal…

how long before the beat stops,

that it all falls numb,

that no one hears…

Saleh Abdel Motaal

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